tips for new fathers

You may be having your first child next week, or it may be years off, but here are some tips from a new dad that I hope you may find useful. All you dads out there (and mums too) please add your own tips.

1. Take all advice, including this, with a big grain of salt - trust your instincts and feelings. Get really good at coping with lots and lots of out of date, conflicting advice. Develop a strategy of thanking people for their input, no matter how annoying (one colleague of my wife's pointed out it was not a good idea to be sick while pregnant - thanks for that, how could I have been so selfish, what was I thinking). I suspect people mean well. But you'll get sick to death of it.
2. learn as much as you can about pregnancy, labour and early childhood. There are plenty of times when your partner/wife will be sick, in pain, exhausted, over it, etc. It's up to you to step up to the plate - she can't be looking after you, herself, and after the baby is born the baby too. For as long as it takes, it's not about you.
3. Be as flexible as possible with everything - don't try to follow rules. Don't have in your mind the one way things should be. Don't have an ideal labour in mind. Don't have an ideal baby in mind. Nothing is likely to go smoothly, and if you are fixated on specific outcomes (drug and intervention free labour, a child who sleeps when you put them down for the night, whatever) then you are only going to make it harder on yourselves. Yes it might happen. That's a bonus. Be flexible.
4. Your wife/partner has most likely been through nine pretty unpleasant months, then a recent traumatic experience with labour (regardless of how well both those went, they will take a lot out of her). Do everything you possibly can to make her life easier. Particularly if she is breastfeeding (which in our experience is really really worth working at to do) that takes a lot of effort, and will interrupt sleep a lot, so it's not good enough for you to "help out", or even "pull your weight".
Can you cook? Get a copy of Jamie's Dinners, get together a repertoire of say 5 dishes to start with that take little effort or time, and get good at cooking them quickly. Pasta and salads are a great place to start. Anyone can cook. Then you can take it from there.
Do you know how to use the dishwasher? Seriously, find out NOW.
Do you know how to use the washing machine? Find out NOW.
5. Get as fit and healthy as you can during the pregnancy. It will stand you in great stead - babies are heavy. I used a pedometer the other day and found out I walk many kilometers a day with a 4.5 kilo baby in my arms. I am pretty fit, but my legs and arms are pretty tired.
6. Learn all you can about settling babies. This DVD and book have some great simple techniques. Being able to settle your baby, and not get frustrated and stressed out is perhaps the best thing you can do for all of you.
7. Take as much time off as you possibly can, and can afford, when the baby is born. Annual leave, unpaid leave, family leave. Can you organize to work from home for a while? - you'll be able to do stuff at all times of the day and night while settling your baby, perhaps not a full workload (at least try to have a couple of weeks completely focussed on your new family if at all possible). Do your level best to do this for your sake, for your partner's sake and for the babies sake.
8. Get wifi and a wifi laptop - if the web is important to you and your work - you may well be spending a lot of time on the couch settling your baby, so if you can use the web, email and so on, you might feel a little less isolated.
9. Write things down and take photos - create a free Flickr account, upload the photos there to share with friends and family. More personal ones you can keep private. In years to come, you and your family will have photos of the baby, but also your life together in these really special early days. Take photos of your pets, the weather outside, your living room. We quickly forget things we think we never will. Write your thoughts down too - perhaps start a blog, or just save a text file - how are you feeling today, what did your baby do?
10. Regardless of how nice and helpful other people think that their visiting might be, its a real strain often at this stage. You must learn to be firm with people - your new family needs all the rest and time together it can get. New babies can easily get unsettled and over stimulated. You have to deal with this after the visitors have gone.
Its OK to say no to visits, or even cancel them at the last moment.
Advice for those visiting new families - take meals. Offer to do their washing, dishes, shopping, anything that might help. It really will be appreciated. Forever.
11. Get sleep any time you can - if baby is sleeping, get some sleep. Share the sleep - if baby won't settle, then no point in two of you being awake. Take it in turns to settle the baby and sleep. Dad - offer to take the first settling shift. Always.
12 .Lastly, to repeat #3 - do what it takes for you. Be flexible. Be outcome oriented (peaceful, rested, well fed baby, some sleep each for mum and dad) not process oriented (feeding at specific intervals, sleeping for certain periods at certain times).

All the best and please add your thoughts and experiences

john